Pizza Driver Wishes
He Was a Lyft Driver
Lyft Driver Wishes She
Was an Uber Driver
Uber Driver Wants Me
to Read His Script
by Cynthia Figgler Post Cleveland
July 17, 2014
by Charles Kim
Post Los Angeles
July 16, 2014
by Jim Stanton Post Los Angeles
July 17, 2014
A local pizza delivery diver spent Thursday night lamenting how much better his life would be if he transported people instead of food.
"I'm tired of my car always smelling like pies!" said Wally Jefferson in his hemp scully cap.
"I could chat with people while I drive. Driving alone gets lonely."
Jefferson is eager to sign up as a driver in for the ride-share service Lyft which has just expanded to Cleveland.
"I wouldn't mind the pink moustache," he said.
"I'd have little bottles of water ready for them and everything."
I told him I believed he could do it- just to get my large veggie lovers and get him off my porch.
A local "ride-share technician" for Lyft recently expressed her envy of the "high-class clientel" to which the car service Uber caters.
"Can you imagine people who dress nice and tip well and don't try to light a joint in your car?"
asked Catherine Sperlock.
She also expressed concerns about Lyft's insurance coverage.
"I'm pretty sure it's bullshit, and mine will drop me if they find out I do this."
She doesn't seem particularly dedicated to the Lyft ride-share service, either.
"I hate that stupid pink moustache," she said. "It's going to get me robbed."
She's also hoping to meet Mr. Right as a driver, and thinks Uber might offer better candidates.
"What if I could meet someone famous, like Lil' Wayne?"
The jackass driving me to LAX refuses to believe I'm not a bigtime Hollywood producer, and keeps trying to slip me his screenplay.
"It's sci-fi meets mockumentary with a touch of Goodfellas," said Chad, my Uber driver.
If I had to guess, Chad is a college drop-out living in someone's pool house.
"But it's also a coming of age story."
He said he was 28, but it looks like that 39-year-old kind of 28.
"Told through the eyes of a teenage girl..."
He's also dodging child support- or warrants.
"It gets heavy at points, but is still PG-13 to pull in the wider audience."
I turn to page 37.
"Rocket" is missspelled.
"Chad's" script is crap, if he even wrote it.
Never shit a shitter, buddy.
Your act is weak.
I'm flying to Austin to con an oil heiress out of millions.
I don't have time to mentor some hack.
So shut up and drive the fucking car.
